Heart of Eden

The vote is where the stomach is, that's not a shame

2008-10-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

So anyone who still cares about how this Canadian society of ours functions and who hasn’t yet gotten tired of voting more frequently than they buy pants was out two Tuesdays ago voting for the new (or, pretty-fucking-much-the-same) government. I, too, participated in this silly little thing we call democracy. And while I was on my way to the polls, I saw something that really made me think. There was a little boy, and his mom, and they were walking from the polls and the little boy was shouting: “Yay! Ice cream!” The mom happily replied: “Yes, if you vote, you get ice cream, that’s the law.” Now isn’t that the most precious thing you have ever seen? What better way to fight voter apathy than instill a reward-based excitement in your children from a very young age. Say what you will, but even though when that kid grows up, he won’t be heading to the polls because he thinks he will get ice cream, he sure as hell will be more likely to show up than the kid who never cared for voting either way.

Not only is this a good model for all parents to get their kids interested in the democratic process, I also started to think that this strategy might make sense right here at UBC. Now, if this is occasionally bandied around as something that could be implemented on the national level (as in, rewards, or other incentives for people to come out to vote) I don’t think that by proposing that this could work in the AMS/constituency elections I am committing some sort of horrid ideological crime. So hear me out.

Put aside, for the moment, the notion that was recently put forth by the Devil’s Advocate that more voters is actually a bad thing and let’s assume that the supposed goals of the AMS to increase voter turnout are noble and true, and we must do everything in our power to pursue them. In that case, what is wrong with using a box of free timbits to attract voter attention? How many times have you walked past a table/booth that exhibited an assortment of food and at least stopped to see what the fuss was about? The concept of having snacks at information or club booths is simple, you capture the person’s attention, and use the limited time you have to try to impart on them as much of the information as you can.

So is there a gastronomical solution to voter apathy?

Firstly, this does not directly tackle the issue. The very fact that we offer snacks at voting booths will not suddenly make people more interested in student politics and elections. However, if you want to talk about incremental changes, why is this not a place to start? Firstly, increased voter turnout will put a slightly larger stamp of legitimacy on the AMS – a little more for the people rather than the insider elite and friends of friends of candidates. Fewer people would be able to say that the council is irrelevant if more people had voted for it in the first place. Secondly, it won’t allow the AMS itself to throw around the classic adage: “Don’t complain if you don’t vote”. Regardless of the fact that I think that maxim is completely moronic on a student government level, it is easy to say that using it will be a little more tricky if more people came out to vote. Thirdly, the voters themselves will be more engaged. Sure, not every student who drops by for a donut will suddenly be transformed by the experience. But a few more people will read the write-ups, a few more people will know the names of the candidates, and a few more people will know of the relevant issues. We know that it will take something apocalyptic to transform this campus into the arena of student engagement some of us dream about. So just because we probably won’t achieve that ideal, does that mean we have to give up on the process of getting there entirely?

It is clear that there will be a number of reasonable positive outcomes in return for a minuscule effort by the AMS. So what’s the problem? The fact that this does not single-handedly solve the problem and does not directly address the issue has been discussed. Resources are scarcely a barrier. The fact that this may encourage frivolous votes just for a free timbit is a legitimate question, but permit me to say the average student is not an idiot. If you really want to weed out those who will put random checkmarks on a page for a free snack, then give out the free snacks even if the student doesn’t vote. But then you say: how will that make any difference, then? Let me use simple psychology: you provide a service, no matter how small, and the recipient (subconsciously, and let me reiterate, in case you have trouble with abstract concepts: SUBCONSCIOUSLY) will want to return the favour. At that point, suggest the pamphlet with candidate write-ups, and the average person will take the two to three minutes necessary to glance over the main issues to make a well-informed vote. Again, don’t pretend that I am coming up with a solution that will result in a ten-fold voter turnout increase, but a substantial increase is possible.

Of course, there will be cries of “but this not professional!” and “What manner of kindergarten shenanigans are these!?” But I propose, that we take that eternal stick, and pull it out of our collective asses to see the light – we are student politics, these are student elections, and, as such, the model of real government does not necessarily apply to our case in every instance. Therefore, we can dismount that extremely tall horse and walk around on some good honest soil. It is not some affront to democracy or our legitimacy to offer some barely-material incentives for students to vote. No general mocking joke is made of the elections or the electoral process – the integrity is still there. If you think that by having food at the booths we descend to the level of some sort of club that doesn’t need to worry about looking “oh so serious” then I am sad that you are of such a poor opinion of the elections that you think a mere couple of boxes of timbits will accomplish this. If you really want to reject this proposal, this reason will not do.

If, after this, you have any other protests against my plan, at least for implementing it one time and seeing if there is a discernible difference made, please let me hear them and I will attempt to dispatch them as thoroughly as possible.

Taking into consideration the preceding discussion, I propose that this will be implemented for the next election. And if the AMS does not agree with my reasoning and reject my proposal, they should provide legitimate reasons for doing so, if there is to be any hope for transparency.

Where have all the radicals gone?

2008-10-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

For the original article in Wednesday's Ubyssey, click here.

I have recently had some growing interest in the current activities of the RBF, so when I saw this article, naturally, I was interested. What I have found is that I have a very mixed reaction to it.

On the one hand, it does a good job of informing; a good job of jabbing a few more students in the side to wake them up to the multiplicity of issues on this campus that aren’t passed down from the top to us, but rather which should be handed up from concerned students. Informing is one of the biggest challenges, and is certainly the first major step in the overall battle.

On the other hand, it is this “battle” that I take issue with. When the RBF first started it appeared to me to be built on a platform of giving the campus back to the students. Letting them enjoy their experience without the temperance goals of the RCMP that are little short of policy. It was as much about bringing fun back to the campus as it was about student rights and student control. That was the main reason I was a staunch supporter. However, I find that the lofty noble goals of the RBF have begun to wane. The new form of activism had distanced itself from its doctrine of change, and has too narrowly focused on the party aspect.

Now don’t get me wrong, the party aspect is essential to the success of the RBF. By throwing fantastic parties not only do they solidify their name in the public consciousness on campus, but also remind people of what there would be more of if all the bureaucratic red tape was sent to the paper shredder. But I think the success of these events has gone a little to the RBF’s head.

Case in point, this article. An excellent piece of information that crumbles in the last sentence of the penultimate paragraph, where the “War on Fun” is casually thrown into the mix. The War on Fun is a good slogan. It’s catchy, it draws a line between the “us” and the “them” and it’s a good foothold to build the mandate and future actions of the RBF. But where are those actions? This article makes it sound like the War on Fun is restricted simply to throwing parties. That by holding an alcoholic event we are somehow fighting the evil three-headed dragon (RCMP,UBC,UNA) that tries to quash all semblance of social life on campus.

Well, truth is, parties happened on this campus long before “War on Fun” had ever become a concept. What exactly about these parties that the RBF is promoting, makes them War on Fun? At the end of the article, the RBF proclaims that they will fight this war which limits student options. But in its footnote-like brevity, it just makes it sound like a shameless plug for the RBF designed to little more than unite the students behind them with a cheerful “Rah! Rah! Rah!” Where is the Radical in RBF? What about telling is exactly what is to be done? Where is this plot to give the campus back to students? Where are results? Or at least a marginal semblance at showing how any results will be accomplished?

I still support the RBF. I’ve heard these guys talk about what they do, and unlike a few prominent faces here on campus, their heart seems to be in the right place, their intentions all laudable.

But I want answers. I think students deserve a little more than a simple reminder by the RBF that they are “here to fight that War on Fun”. I want a little more substance to my student activism than a few great parties. I want it to look like, to the outside world as well as UBC students, this isn’t about a right to drink. This is about a right to be. A right to use our campus the way we see fit. I want to hear the RBF’s voice again, and I don’t want to hear it talk of how they’ll get me drunk, I want them to tell me how they’ll get my right to enjoy UBC back.

Wake Up and Smell Your Degree

2008-10-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Coming soon to a wall near you:

Dear Student, Wake Up and Smell Your Degree

Did you notice that funky aroma? I know I did. While the administration and the AMS deal with the pressing issues of the underground bus loop, and spending millions of dollars on joining the NCAA, academic issues have been relegated to a dingy corner of UBC like the poor child nobody wants to hug. But tell me, how many of you really care about what happens to a little grassy hill? You want to go to your classes, get that degree, and get on with your life. Problem is, what has UBC been doing with your education all this time? Do you ever wonder how a professor still has a job, or how a TA ever got hired in the first place? Ever wonder why it feels like UBC doesn’t care about the average student?

In all their bickering and agenda-pushing, the AMS and administration have forgotten about a very important player on this campus – you, the student. You, who cares about fair marking and the quality of your education. You, who doesn’t show up to protest and run for office because you have better things to do. You, who still cares despite what they may think. So show them that you still do. Let your voice be heard. Bring all your complaints and all your rants, about the quality of the instructors and the quality of the courses, and all the hurdles you think should not be there. Send them to me at edenhart@gmail.com and I will let your voice be heard, anonymously. Stand up for what you care about, now what they tell you that you should care about.

I’m not running for office, and I’m not pandering for votes. I’m here to wake up the AMS to the issues that really matter, and to show them that you still want a voice.

My name is Eden Hart, and I’m a UBC student.

Are you?

Welcome to the VFM -- Ur doing it Wrong!

2008-10-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

I would like to direct anyone who’s listening to the fact that I had thrown my sombrero into the VFM ring, piling on some moral pressure to deliver the news … through a different lens. So if you haven’t joined yet, go to the UBC VFM side, read-up and sign-up.

What I did suddenly realize, is that behind all the bickering bullshit that I got so emerged in last year, I forgot about a few very important things that also make a difference on this campus. And one of those is VFM.

What VFM sets out to do, is build a population of informed voters that makes democracy work better because educated voters make better decisions. The monetary rewards put pressure on the participating media to put up frequent and engaging content, and the voters decide who’s doing the best job at providing what they promised. A fine premise that I had noticed brought a lot more quality content into the fray. However, what it doesn’t do as well as it should, is get new voters to the polls. But this isn’t the flaw in the project itself, rather than in those participating in it.

Let me, for a second, pick on UBC Insiders, not because there is something particularly wrong with that blog, but rather by virtue of it kicking ass every contest and raking in huge wads of cash. The promise on their blog reads: “the money we receive will be spent on website improvements.” A noble promise; and no doubt one that will be kept. However, I see one problem. Improvements of the blog will benefit only one group of people – those who are already avid or occasional readers. However, what about new readers? What about educating the people who don’t keep up, those people who don’t go to the polls because they don’t care, because they don’t know, and because they think no issue on campus actually affects them in any meaningful way? Of course, that’s our number one challenge. You just can’t pull these people out of a hat and go: “Voila: go forth and multiply” to the sound of chirping crickets and a chorus of quizzical stares. We have to grab them, we have to work for them. If we took it upon ourselves to provide the best of news/opinions on campus, then we need to make sure we’re making an actual difference

I started off in the real world. Out there, with potential readers, postering my opinions on the walls. Only later did I move to internet media, like Facebook and this blog. But even as I now lay in the closed circle of cyber-space, with a select few reading my opinions, I made sure that the circle wasn’t shut. There’s a little more to bringing quality journalism, just like there’s a little more to voter-education than making candidate write-ups available at the election booths. Still I make sure to go out, post excerpts or original material where people who don’t know about my blog can read it. How many take it to heart? Probably not a revolutionary number, but any revolution, be it in the political or cultural sense, starts with the few and spreads to the many. I have had people respond about to blogs through my postings, and I could at least imagine that a few others had read it. I’m not trying to say that this is an either/or issue, rather that VFM and real-world advertising should work side-by-side. It isn’t enough to educate and engage those who are already educated and engaged. We can’t sit back like some latter-day philosophers, twiddling our thumbs and stewing in our own sense of self-importance (read: impotence?), when the audience in front of us is but five people, two of whom are asleep and the third sitting impatiently waiting for us to finish so they can say how utterly wrong we are. One of our top priorities is to reach out wide, cast the net as far as possible, bring the most sheep into the flock. Our first job is to have an audience to bring information to, and then make sure that information is provided to the best of our abilities. In all honesty, I don’t do this as well as I want to.

From this I issue a challenge. To myself as well as my other VFMers and any other media on campus who may be listening. It is all fine and good to refine ourselves, it is a whole different challenge to raise readership. So this should be our focus. Not more or less important than quality, but on par with it, as I don’t believe the two can function without each other. Reach out there and spend some of your winnings on advertising. Put a little elbow grease in posting your information to capture audiences, on bulletin boards or in the classes. Take out a Facebook ad. Continue to reward the voters by spending money on improving content, but spend some of your funds in the real world as well. Readership isn’t that high to begin with, and getting even one more person on board is a victory. The further we stretch out our arms, the more relevant we’ll be.

A part of me died today

2008-10-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today I have been handed some terrible bone-chilling news. Apparently my Facebook account had died, leaving me severed from the many of you fine folks that have partook in my opinions over the past year.

Here's hoping I can get a little more traffic onto this blog now that my captive audience had freed itself from the shackles. This is the only place where I now live.

Well, that and on your campus ... postering ... pestering ... being myself

The Harties

2008-04-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

I won’t lie; it has been a turbulent year. Hell, it was a year wrought with so many amazing events that it forced me to come into existence. While I am not planning to cease my writing for this blog, or bringing you the same critiques of the local political situation, or attempting to inform uninvolved parties with my random postings all over campus, I do sometimes need a break. Today, I will take that break by celebrating the tumultuous 2007-2008 year by awarding the first set of “Harties” – awards to those who deserve a special place in our hearts for their achievements and failures over the past year.

And here is the winner’s list:

To start of the festivities, I present the Mother Teresa Award for taking more shit than humanly possible and not going postal on everyone around them.

Winner: Alex Lougheed for surviving the Crompton/Knoll onslaught and continuing to like puppies

Runner Up: AUS General Officer Tom Lamb for keeping the office clean only to have it ransacked by another RBF get-together or drunken night of Settlers. Every time the man said “Power Bar” I died for him a little.

The Samuel L. Jackson Award for skills in English-motherfucker-do-you-speak-it?

Winner: UBC President Stephen Toope for claiming that the RCMP had an abundance of caution. I mean, they’ve got caution coming out the wazoo and the ying-yang and God knows where else. Saying this is akin to saying “pile of awesome”, which this quote clearly is.

Special Mention for Achievements in Democratic Hilarity

Winner: Tyler Allison for beating AUS presidential race opponent Avneet Johal without campaigning

Runner Up: Avneet Johal for losing to an opponent who didn’t campaign.

Unfortunately for almost-not-president Johal, his game of political minesweeper (carefully placing his flags around all the thorny issues and subjects) did not win him the race. Fortunately for him, sort-of-president Allison was forced to resign when he failed to complete a crucial campaign promise: “When I get elected, the first thing I’ll do is find out who this fucking [Eden Hart] kid is.” Resign! Oh … wait.

The Cujo medal for being the most terrifying presence on campus.

Winner: Squirrels in garbage cans

Runner Up: Plant Ops

The Brendan Piovesan Memorial Cup for Epic Failure

Winner: Knollaid 2.0

Runner Up: Brendan Piovesan

Dumb shit couldn’t even win his own award. Shame.

The David Claassen trophy for dirtying up a freshman

Winner: AMS wanabee Patrick Meehan, for being, as Tyler Allison once suggested "a dirty ****"

The Meta-Free-Phor-All Ribbon for most awesomely failed metaphor

Winner: Eden Hart for “we all want to build the same damn castle”

Yeah, the voting was rigged on this one. Deal with it, princesses.

The Sisyphus Trophy for trying so hard yet failing so miserably

Winner: Nathan Crompton

Unlike some of his Knoll colleagues, like Jasmine (hates freedom of speech) and Tristan (hates puppies), Nathan seems to at least try. Of the Knollies I interacted with, he appears to be the most intelligent, and the most open to debate that doesn’t make it sound like I’m listening to a brain-fucked troglodyte. With his heart at least pointed in the right direction, he’s just a guy who sometimes says really stupid shit and does really stupid things. Keep pushing that boulder Nate … maybe some day.

Runner Up: Patrick Meehan for running for an Arts AMS position more times than I can count, and then pulling a fast one once he finally got elected and quitting to become the new *gasp* competent EA.

The Please Think of the Starving African Children Prize for the biggest colossal waste of resources:

Winner: The Underground Busloop

Runner Up: The UBC Security Segway they pull out every Imagine Day. Where in fuck’s name is that thing the other 364 days?

The Oscar for best YouTube Performance:

Winner: The Dude from “Kno to the Knoll”

Runner Up: the computerized voice in my video for fabulously pronouncing the word “asinine”

The Dean’s Award for the Faculty Most Deserving of Expulsion:

Winner: The Faculty of Law

Not only did that sick infested womb spew out into the world Piovesan, it also gave the unholy birth to the Student Court. If ever existed a group of students who failed at everything else and retreated to some dank corner where they had at least a semblance of power, this is it. Oh, and they also have Colin Simkus, who despite seeming like he knows what he’s doing, is unfortunately in charge of a right wing conspiracy with their batteries aimed at the Knoll (I bet Naylor was truly disappointed when this distinction went elsewhere).

Game of the Year:

Winner: Settlers of Catan

If anyone had visited the AUS office during the first semester, they would know what I was talking about. Usually it would be barren, with an occasional confused councilor sitting dough-eyed blinking at the bright lights. Now, the office is a lively place that actually looks like a student office, and the game itself often draws students to make small talk with councilors. Fun? Yes. Useful? Oh hell yeah.

Runner Up: Where’s Worsley? A sick hybrid between Where’s Waldo and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, this game has never been officially played, but the fact that the idea for it even exists is the epitome of awesomeness. Oh, and by they way, the usual answer to the question is: wherever international students hang out at beer gardens.

The Not Our Party Leader distinction goes to:

Winner: Stephen Harper. The Western Prime Minister my balls, when was the last time he was east of the Central Time Zone? No wonder the “youth” wing of his party is for anyone under forty.

Runner Up: Gilles Duceppe. Seriously, where the fuck is this guy?

The Golden Nut for achievements in testicular fortitude:

Winner: RBF for holding their did-not-actually-happen-spotaneous-planned-by-absolutely-noone flash mobs. I bet when if their party ever gets crashed by cops, no one will be screaming “Fornicate with bacon!” over and over. The RBF is a refreshing piece of activism on campus, different in the way that it does not attempt to shove their beliefs down your throat until you choke and fucking die.

Runner Up: All of UBC that showed up on the days after the BioSci threats when the police were so quick and delightfully informative, completely ensuring our safety, security, and hope in tomorrow. Wankers.

Grand Prize for achievement in the best moment of painful awkwardness:

Winner: Emily Griffiths, for managing to put the words “vagina” and “sleeping with the assistant VP Academic” in the same sentence. Seriously, why the shit is “I’m fucking Blake Frederick” not a YouTube video?

The Ironic Assclown Tiara for achievements in undeserved attention:

Winner: former VP External Matthew Naylor and current VP External Stefanie Ratjen

Naylor managed to lose an election where he seemed to have a fighting chance by a landslide to SUS President/stripper Mike Duncan. Part of the disastrous campaign for Naylor involved not getting endorsed by any of his colleagues, and getting piss hammered at AUS’s Mardi Gras and making a complete ass of himself; class-y. Before the AUS elections, he arrogantly proclaimed that he was running strictly for the AMS and not the AUS, disavowing any responsibilities he may have had to council. And his “speech” during the AUS debate involved taking all the points that were repeated ad nauseam by Rennie, Allison and Ryan, and making them loud and ridiculous. That won him applause from most, while I was rolling my eyes so far I could look at my brain. He butters-up the higher ups, and looks down upon anyone he thinks is below him. Second to the Knoll, he’s the worst thing in AMS politics right now, hands down. Ironically enough, I’m only feeding the fire, providing him exactly with what he survives on: attention.

Stef Ratjen is her own ballgame. Not only was she practically the only one to run a full-scale smear campaign during a (goddamnitpeoplegetitthroughyourheads) *student* election, she was also the centerpiece for the most bizarre event on campus this year. She Apparently believes that arresting officers have to ask permission before an arrest, and that peaceful protests will necessarily involve copious amount of stolen material being set on fire (I guess no one ever taught her symbolism, and that fire=violence in pretty much any society on the planet). In the end, her greatest achievement is asking the most important question mankind has ever asked: “What the hell would a fireman want to do with a hose?”

And so, my dearies, the year draws to an end, and what a bloody year this was. Remember when the Coke contract was exciting news? Yeah, things are a little different now. If ever news trickles down to me during the summer, you’ll know about it. For instance, if the hobos invade campus, or if Knollaid 3.0 prompts guerilla warfare at The Farm, I will definitely be there. For now, let us wait until the new year, when you’ll be back to fuck up, and I’ll be there to point it out.

But seriously though, much love, keep on trucking.

A drop in the Ocean

2008-04-10T02:27:00.001-07:00

Because it is about damn time I show myself.

April iz teh crewlist munth

2008-03-31T22:24:00.001-07:00

Being incognito for so many months in the dark recesses of the UBC underworld allowed me to be privy to some sensitive information. Some of this information even the boldest of the media outlets don’t want you to know, but I feel it is my duty as student journalist/activist to bring you all of the facts, no matter what they happen to be.

For instance, a little known fact in the Lougheed/Crompton case, is that information surfaced that it had actually been EA Brandon Piovesan who cast the extra ballots. Seeing Lougheed in the lead, he wanted to secretly cast several dozen votes for Crompton, but accidentally voted for Lougheed, muddying up the entire affair. He then chose to scapegoat Lougheed, who graciously did not deny the charges. Why not? Well, the facts are obvious, Lougheed is just too damn nice. This doesn’t, however, explain why he had sent an assassin after Crompton as soon as the case was filed. Fortunately for the monarch of the Knolligarchy, the would-be ninja hitman was hit and killed by a Plant Ops truck on his way to do the dirty deed. When asked about these new allegations, Lougheed smiled politely and said: “I like puppies”.

And speaking on the Knoll, it has finally been discovered why they are so intent on protecting our grassy knoll. It’s not what’s above – the green grass and the trees, it’s what’s underneath. In a cavern directly below the knoll, they are hiding the remaining members of the Wreath Underground, whom they have bred with Morlocks in order to dig a tunnel to the UNA. There, they will stage a brash breakout, freeing the students that are captured annually on ACF night to be trained as deadly Plant Ops zombies.

In a financial blunder of Biblical proportions, the UBC had forgotten to budget for professor salaries in the upcoming fiscal year. Feeling that a university without professors will be bad for the adult-student ratio, the administrations is planning to employ several ingenious money-making schemes. The knoll will be converted into a missile silo to protect against attacks from the defederated freaks to the East, and many classrooms will be reserved for UNA bzzr gardens and weekly escapades of debauchery. The Knoll is already planning to protest, and the Ubyssey is already planning to belittle them.

And as for the Ubyssey itself, there are talks to have it replace The Province as the trashy we-think-we-can-do-journalism daily rag in the city. This will leave the 432 to be the last legitimate student newspaper on campus, which will provide by-the-minute coverage on boobs and spunk to our hearts’ content. This will force The Underground to be the students’ National Post and will hold weekly sacrifices to honour the RCMP and their War On Wickedness or WOW.

Hot off the wire: the RBF – the Radical Beer (allergic) Reaction has retroactively swept the AMS elections. The complaint against everyone involved was initially filed by RBF candidates Mike “Scary” Kushnir and Stash “Supreme Overlord of Awesome” Bylicki who claim that the rights of students have been infringed by the “unfair impositions of totally unwicked candidates”. Student Court representatives said that after reading AMS Code article 9 subsection g, paragraph 12, subparagraph B52, line AK47, that read “miniature thunderbird flags for all”, they realized that the writers actually meant that it is a moral obligation of the AMS too be “totally fucking radical”. Upon hearing the flawless logic behind the decision, Student Court dissenter Colin Simkus suffered an aneurism and was subsequently committed, and the Dean of Law shot herself.

O.o – Colin

x.x – Dean

Too bad none of the students read between the lines of the new transit propositions that are supposedly going to be in place by 2020 (who, seriously, can’t see Transport Minister holding a conference in UBC for students and using the word “Syke!!!” in his opening statement?). Apparently the Skytrain station at UBC will be installed in the south of campus, in the heart of the UNA. Students will be forced to walk in the snow towards the centre of campus … uphill both directions. UBC physicists are now working on a snow machine, and on bending the laws of conventional physics. This is you being raped using your own money.

Headline from the future: “17 UBC Engineering students die when their VW beetle drives off the clock tower”

In an orgasm of poor decision making, the administration hires Yian Messoloras to do the renovations on the new SUB, saying “Dude says he’s got experience, seriously, what more do you need?” The current plans involve an Escherian nightmare of jamspaces and is scheduled to be completed in 2057, sometime after Messoloras finishes his world tour workshop titled “I am fucking awesome, deal with it.”

Exit polls show that the WUSC referendum has failed in a landslide. After three seconds of research I discovered that this is probably the result of a powerful “No” campaign that worked tirelessly to save us our $1.5. I did manage to pry out an exclusive interview from their leader, who appeared to me wearing a balaclava and aviator sunglasses. After asking him wherefore he was such a douchebag, he answered: “I just dislike these refugees. I mean, c’mon, they escape their countries, all those ‘hardships’, take our education, and then go on galloping elsewhere, either becoming brutal dictators or working for UNICEF or something.” My left eyebrow is still in the UP position. He concluded with “Moochers!” and then ran off into the distance screaming “Put a free man in office! Tra-la-la-la-la.”

And finally, if you’re still with me, I shall give you a mighty, mighty reward.

I … am Alex Lougheed.

I am also Sam Heppell

Don’t judge our love … we will have beautiful children.

Happy April Fool’s, y’all.

I’m also from Slapout, Texas

Referendum Dilemma

2008-03-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

I still haven’t voted in the March Referendum. Is it because I am an apathetic student? Hardly, and I’m sure you know me better than that. And it’s not that I don’t know how I want to vote, but I am finding some good reasons to vote either way on both issues.

The U-Pass – Yes – the issue is simple. The U-Pass is the one of the, if not the, greatest achievements of the AMS in the last few decades. The savings are phenomenal, and it encourages students to use public transit rather than drive. Only a heartless driver who already spends hundreds of dollars on gas and car insurance would try to take this away from students. That said, why do we need a bureaucratic hurdle to get the new funding approved? In reality, if every student were asked, how many would say ‘no’ to paying that little extra sum of money for the U-Pass? But no, the AMS has to spend money on an EA, on poll administrators, on promotional material, etc. to get the minimum voter turnout so this actually passes and the U-Pass stays in the pockets of students. Yes, you can give the easy answer that it is required by democracy and the established rules and codes and so on. Yet where do we draw the line? Soon, we’ll have to hold a referendum if the AMS president wants to grow a beard. But seriously, the red tape tie-ups have to end at some point. It is completely irrelevant that “this is the way things are”. If this is it, then they need to change. Simple.

SUB-Renew – Yes – The SUB stinks, period. It’s ugly on the outside, and it’s ugly on the inside. Services have been relegated to the second floor where nobody goes, and there is little space for students, other than a place to eat and get out. There is a renovated conversation pit, which looks like a rundown Eastern European airport, and the pigeons that live there sum up the existing SUB nicely. There is little questioning the fact that we are in dire need of a new SUB, one that will not be embarrassing for a university that wants to consider itself international. One would clearly have to vote Yes, but this time?

U-Pass – No – So, why would you want to vote No unless you were the aforementioned crapbag of a person bent on being as selfish as possible as you go through life. The idea was pitched to me by someone else, yet it got me thinking. As you already know, it concerns me how little student involvement there is on campus, so clearly, we need an issue that would rally the troops, so to speak. So why not take away the U-Pass? That would certainly rattle some cages and stir up some controversy. Maybe that would have UBC students shutting down the city, protesting for their rights, making it heard that they care. If the U-Pass fails, there will really be hell to pay. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Once, again, it doesn’t mean that I am voting No, just saying that voting No could make sense, in a way.

SUB-Renew – No – So, what, exactly, are we paying to build here? We saw the designs, but they’re being called preliminary. We’ve been told that the University Boulevard will be handed back to students, which sounds almost too good to be true. I can almost see it now “SUB stands for Severe Urban Buildup. Whoops, we thought we mentioned that”. Again, back to the issue at hand. Student involvement in the project selection was minimal, and we are approving funding for a very nebulous idea. We have not hired the architecture firm, which means the SUB can be anything from the concrete turd it is now, to a modern nightmare of Minotaur mazes. When I asked what student amenities would be inside the new building, the short version of the answer I got was “We don’t know”. Lovely, gives me so much inspired hope from the future I want to leap from Buchanan Tower screaming “I am not worthy of this university”. It’s like we’re paying for what’s behind door number 3, and that is a little uncomfortable. So should we vote No, and encourage the AMS to have an actual plan before going to students to ask for money, or are the costs too high? If this doesn’t pass now, when will the new SUB actually arrive? 2020? Later? Here’s a moral dilemma for you. Risk paying for a useless building, or risk having no building at all.

Thanks AMS. Thanks a lot.

Plant Ops Tried to Kill Me

2008-03-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

Plant Ops. If this word does not instill in you some kind of inhuman dread, then you do not go to UBC, or at least use a helicopter to go to every class. Even if you are not involved in anything on campus, and do not know first hand of how useless they are to students and faculty, you at least know what it’s like to try to get anywhere in UBC when a Plant Ops truck is trying to get someplace. I’m sure enough of you reading this have had a similar experience: you’re crossing East Mall, at a designated crosswalk, between classes when students are all out and about, and you see a Plant Ops truck ploughing its way through the crowd. I’ve seen people have to dodge the bastards. I, myself, have been nearly hit on several occasions. I’ve seen them run stop signs in front of cars and pedestrians. The bottom line is, I swear they have some sort of pool where the winner is the one who terrifies or injuries the most students during the year. I’m not sure why they didn’t just get it over with and crash the ACF. I guess that would be called goal-sucking or something.

Now, it’s bad enough that this even happens; bad enough that Plant Ops seem to have no respect for human (student) life, but it becomes even more ridiculous when you realize that you’re paying their salary. That’s right, some of your student fee money goes to Plant Ops, to pay them to plant pretty bushes and to drive their trucks right into you, or else sit in their pick ups by the side of the road with the windows down listening to Christina Aguilera (believe me, I’ve seen it). When was the last time you were able to abuse the one providing your paycheque? I mean sure, most of us fantasize about running down our managers, but who would actually do it? So tell me, how is that it makes sense that Plant Ops thinks it rules the roads at UBC and can terrify us like that?

And this is but one of the many moral crimes that they commit. Have you heard what happening to The Cheese, the student space of Engineering students and headquarters of the EUS? Plant Ops had absolutely no time to get to fix what the EUS had been requesting for a while, but had all the time in the world when they had to close it down due to safety violations. And when was the last time you were in the office of the AUS, with their amusing yet disturbing missing door handles? Yeah, it’s been a few months now, apparently Plant Ops’s hands are full with planting little fern bushes in front of Irving K. Barber. Now, how many of you give two shits about bushes in front of the library? Or would you rather have a working student space, or for them to always not be in such a damn hurry so they don’t have to turn us into hood ornaments?

Clearly, Plant Ops couldn’t care less about students in any way, yet we’re the ones who pay their ridiculous union salaries? Bovine excrement, that’s what this is. Haven’t the good workers of Plant Ops ever learnt to not bite the hand that feeds? Well, apparently we’ve waited long enough for that hand to be entirely bitten off, but now it’s time to use the other one to bitch slap these bastards into their place. Our campus. Our priorities. Enough is enough. Now that you’ve heard my rant. Here are two things that will be done about it, and I need your help:

The first, much like my UNA posterings (and using the same logic when it comes to accomplishing something), will be an informational campaign targeted at Plant Ops trucks. The following short communiqué will be posted:

Dear Plant Ops employee,

I am a UBC student

I will pay tens of thousands of dollars to the university by the time I graduate.

Some of that money will go to pay for your food and shelter.

And as someone who contributes to your salary I have a few minor requests:

Please maintain our student spaces.

Please maintain our class rooms.

Forget about the plants, it’s just a name now.

Please don’t try to run me down.

Please stop running stop signs.

Please respect me like you would anyone else.

We’re not dumb, and one day, we’ll be tired of you treating us like dirt.

The Karma scales will tip. And it’s not looking too good for Plant Ops.

Thank you,

Eden Hart, concerned student

And the second, is my recently created Facebook Group. Please join it, and invite all of your UBC friends to join it too. This group, entitled “Plant Ops tried to kill me,” will be a forum for students to share all the grievances they have regarding their inconsiderate employees. Have you ever been bumped by a truck? Have you ever had to dodge a truck? Have you seen them drive irresponsibly on our campus endangering your well-being and that of fellow students? Please provide a description of what had happened, and (if at all possible, although much desirable), the number of the offending vehicle and the date and time when the infraction took place. I promise that if I get at least fifty different people sharing their concerns (of course, I will keep these anonymous), I will submit a summary to Plant Ops, and to the administration. If they will turn a deaf ear, I will turn my attention to the media. I think it’s time for this crap to end. It’s time for students to fight for our campus. That time had started in 1915, and it hasn’t stopped. Our campus. Our priorities. Enough is enough.

Beyond the Gates -- A trip to the UNA

2008-03-12T20:29:00.001-07:00

Today, sometime around 11 in the morning I ventured deep into the heart of the University Neighbourhood Association. It was the south side, part of the protection bubble that contributed to the long and painful demise of Arts County Fair. The following was posted on doors, gates and mailboxes, and this will not be the last time:

Dear Resident, sorry for your time, but thank you for giving it to me,

As you may be aware, the current relationship between the University Neighbourhood Association and the student body is frosty, at best. Recently, one of our favourite traditions, Arts County Fair, was (possibly permanently) cancelled, in part due to the ever-increasing costs of preserving your peace and comfort for one day of the year. And now, earlier this year, the UNA has hired its own security force. Considering how these guards have no arresting power, they are there for little more than intimidating students on their own campus.

As residents, your concern for your peace and tranquility is understandable under normal circumstances. But these circumstances are not normal – surely when you moved onto the campus you knew that there would be students around, trying to utilize the campus they are paying for and contributing to to their fullest desire. What, exactly, warrants the hostile attitude that you harbour towards us, even though, in essence, many of you are the guests on our campus?

When you move in next to a school, you don’t ban students from your street. When you move across from a soccer field, you don’t wake up on a Sunday morning and tell the pee-wee players to keep it down. And when you move onto a nature reserve, you don’t petition a member of parliament about the bear infestation. In fact, I‘m sure the bears have a legal right to drop by to raid the fridge of beer and fine Alberta beef. So, why is it acceptable that when outside residents move onto campus and take away space that could be allotted for student housing, they can so easily sway authorities to infringe on student rights?

Some of you are actively participating in the decision making, and I hope you see the egoism and absurdity in your current position. Some of you have no idea that this is going on, but you have the power to find those responsible, and try to sway them. The current situation has already cost students Arts County Fair, and I do not like to think of how far this can be taken. There is no inherent reason why we can’t coexist peacefully on this campus, but the line has to be drawn somewhere, and wherever it is, the UNA has long stepped over it.

– Eden Hart, concerned student

And here’s my aside to students.

I think it’s been long enough that we’ve been secondary (or perhaps maybe tertiary) citizens of the university. The RCMP is busting our asses, the UNA is taking up valuable space and then making sure we stay the hell away as far as possible, and the administration builds shit without even a semblance of consultation. Enough is enough. Do I think this message will send guilt-stricken members of the UNA running to the university’s door begging for their rights to be taken away? Of course only a fool would believe that, and, for now at least, I am no fool. However, I am obviously trying to accomplish something, otherwise I just wouldn’t do it.

Firstly, even though immediate change is a pipe dream, change, nonetheless, is not out of the question. Change comes in small steps, like drops dripping into the bucket that eventually overflows. If even one out of ten people who read my message take any note of it, the groundwork is now lying in their subconscious. When push comes to shove, it will make a difference if the effect is cumulative.

Second, I’m attempting to open up some dialogue. We can sit and quietly bitch to each other all we want but that would hardly do anything. This isn’t exactly a slap in your face (like petty vandalism) but that option is even far more moronic, considering the wonderful rep the Wreath Underground won for themselves with their attempted “terrorist campaign”. The students have spoken, we will continue speaking. Some people know that now, and more will be in the know in the future, as long as this is kept up.

And third, I am showing that students care. I’m showing that we’re not willing to take it sitting down, and that we’re not a hoard of sheep that stampede through our college years without a second thought. There’s at least one who cares. And where there’s one, there’s a hundred. And soon enough, there’ll be a thousand, and then we can get something done.

I know this most recent move of mine will have its fair share of critics. I’m sure I will be told I am wasting my time, that I am accomplishing nothing. I’ll be told that no one, if anyone even read them, would take my messages seriously. “This is so stupid” I can already hear some of you say. That’s fine. Nothing was ever accomplished without trying. I fail and that’s my burden to bear. But I still believe that if enough of this small stuff will be done by enough people, we will see something happen, and once we finally organize for the final push, there will be a foundation to work on. It’s time to take back the university. It’s time to take back what’s ours.

An ode to the Knolligarchy

2008-02-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

Oh goodie, free toilet paper, I thought, but picked up my complimentary copy of the Knoll newspaper anyway. Little did I know that the main article would be a start to a tragically embarrassing shitstorm. In an effort to be less sustainable, the knoll wasted some good trees publishing an article that analyzed the sinister motives behind Alex Lougheed’s “protest cheating”. They looked at every possibility – whether he wanted his cheating to work, whether he should have announced his cheating, and whether he ended up cheating or not.

So they tried their bloody darndest to show how much thought went into their analysis of Lougheed’s “cheating”; yet, hilariously, they forgot to prove that it was cheating in the first place. Cheating implies an attempt to gain an unfair advantage over someone. Where is that, in this case? Yes, Lougheed stuffed the ballot box; yes, he did it in light of an embarrassing election, but when, at any point, has the system of only counting one ballot ever been compromised? No one ever suspected anyone could get away with it, and it was set up so no one *could* get away with it. I mean, is it cheating if I copy someone’s Chemistry homework and hand it in my Poli Sci class? Or better yet, is it cheating if I am handing in my paper, then look at the ones at the proff’s desk and tell him: “Hold on, I need to change some answers,” and proceed to copy the other person’s paper right in front of them? It’s not ‘cheating’, it’s not ‘protest cheating’, it’s a non-event, and a non-issue.

In my fleeting attempt to be stoically unbiased I will admit that it a bit shortsighted for Lougheed to not announce his little escapade publicly before the ballot-counting, or at least shortly after when an appeal for a recount would have sounded as a mere procedural formality rather than an investigation. Lougheed dug his own little hole because he left the Knoll folks, under the guise of being completely balanced, to analyze his actions to death and then come at the “inevitable” and “logical” conclusion that Lougheed must have been at least hopeful that his “cheating” could win him the race. You know what, assknolles? Professionally trained psychologists can’t definitively describe someone’s motivations by their actions, and neither can you, you delusional windbags. It was a completely self-serving conclusion based on circumstantial evidence that you tried to pass off as investigative journalism. I don’t know why you didn’t just let Crompton write the article – you would have garnered just a little respect by not pretending to be fair and balanced and just admitted it: “We serve our own interests”.

It’s always dangerous when a small group of relatively closed-off individuals proclaims to represent all those who don’t have a voice. This idea naturally begs the question: does that minority even know that they’re being represented? Given that, how well are the Knowll-it-alls representing the average student, rather than promoting their own very radical views? Take Crompton, himself, for example (I only pick on him because he’s thrust himself in the limelight with the accusations against Lougheed). He claims that his concerns stem primarily from the fact that he does not want a dirty-cheater-face like Lougheed representing the constituency. A noble concern, yes, but let’s take a moment to reflect on the horse’s mouth. Here we have someone who was supposedly a member of the AUS, yet routinely missed meetings, volunteered little, if at all, at any AUS functions, failed in his position as Bookings Rep, publicly criticized the AUS president with ludicrous insults, and used the AUS office to promote his agenda independently of council. Let’s also take a moment to reflect on how much Crompton wanted the position he’s so desperately fighting for now. Despite being only a few dozen votes behind Lougheed, he didn’t even ask for a routine recount. In other words, he may have lost due to counting error, and didn’t care. If this ordeal does culminate in disqualifying Lougheed for the position, it should not, under any circumstance go to Crompton directly. A reelection maybe, but it is not socially responsible to hand an Exec position to someone who is in politics on his own agenda, who does not care for his position, and who manipulates journalism for his own ends.

Here's some democracy, spend it wisely

2008-02-18T18:13:00.000-08:00

Recently, I heard someone very nonchalantly proclaim that “Student politics are boring”. Now, this sounds like a person who then would choose not to get informed, involved, and who probably would not care at all about casting a vote in an election. And that got me thinking. I mean, isn’t student politics just made up of overly-eager people trying to get ahead in life and get into positions on council by being popular and good-looking only to organize school dances and bake sales and do nothing of substance? Then I remembered that we’re not in high school anymore.

I honestly fail to see what is so boring in student politics. Is it the budget of $10,000,000 that makes people yawn? Maybe it’s the fact that most projects will never be completed during any given cohort’s stint at UBC, so there’s no reason to be arsed about anything? Try asking the average student who didn’t vote in last month’s election and you would invariably wind up with the inevitable consensus: “I.Don’t.Care.” But don’t they? The U-Pass, the SUB, the liquor policy, ACF (AMS County Fair, because the “Block Party” sounds like a ho-down), U-Boulevard – all of these things are directly affected by the AMS. And say you are one of the many students who limit their campus experience to being in the classroom. Scaling? TA/Professor evaluations? Course requirements? Quality of staff? Exam schedules? If you’re not affected by any of these things, then face it, you’re here because you need to get out of the rain, and you’ve been kicked out of Starbucks. Find me a student who says that student politics doesn’t affect them and I’ll show you a student who’s still living in the irrelevant jockocracy of their high school days.

In essence though, student politics suffer from the same plight that any other politics suffer – how can you get people to care, when by all logical accounts they have no excuse not to care? That’s the issue here, not “boringness”. Pardon me for flaunting my opinions here, but I don’t find any of the above issues at all “boring”. They affect most students, they often affect a very important part of their college experience (whether it be the parties or the classes) and even if they don’t affect the current cohort of students, they can affect any younger siblings or children. UBC does not cease existing when you leave, and it is up to you to affect not only yourself, but those close to you. Boring? Hardly.

I guess though if you want to look at things in a delightfully superficial way, I will apologize on behalf of all student politics for failing to excite your attention. I’m sorry they don’t have slur campaigns, rivalries or television ads, and I’m sorry they don’t sleep with or kill their interns, or illicit sex in public washrooms or jump naked into lakes with Rick Mercer. I’m sorry they’re not analyzed by witty TV personalities like Stewart and Colbert, and only have to be content with shitty school publications. I’m sorry for the severe shortage of vote pandering or flip-flopping and no tightly-contested constituencies to win over, which would have created an overwhelming amount of cool-looking charts and polls to fawn over. I do apologize for their lack of party logos and leadership conventions, and I’m sorry that they don’t have any moustaches or cowboy outfits and that they don’t say “the Canada”. I apologize that “sustainability” does not sound as exciting as “climate change” and that they don’t start wars, although I’m sure SFU is probably funding the Wreath Underground, so should definitely be invaded to liberate the RBF keg. Boredom is in the eyes of the beholder.

Someone once very poignantly said: “When you call something ‘boring’ it is not because it failed to stimulate your interest, but because you have failed in finding interest in it.”

Groupthink

2008-02-14T19:48:00.000-08:00

I am sure this hasn't been seen by anyone but the president himself, and I believe that it is important for other councilors to see what is, arguably, happening with the AMS right now. These are dangerous waters, and its time to swim to shore.

As for the rest of us students, I hope this inconvenient truth (no political commentary intended, I swear), arouses at least some passion in a few.

The following was posted on the door of the office of the president of the AMS on Wednesday morning:

Groupthink: a type of thought exhibited by group members who try to minimize conflict and reach consensus without critically testing, analyzing, and evaluating ideas. During Groupthink, members of the group avoid promoting viewpoints outside the comfort zone of consensus thinking. A variety of motives for this may exist such as a desire to avoid being seen as foolish, or a desire to avoid embarrassing or angering other members of the group. Groupthink may cause groups to make hasty, irrational decisions, where individual doubts are set aside, for fear of upsetting the group’s balance.

Symptoms:

Illusions of invulnerability creating excessive optimism and encouraging risk taking.

Rationalising warnings that might challenge the group's assumptions.

Unquestioned belief in the morality of the group, causing members to ignore the consequences of their actions.

Illusions of unanimity among group members, silence is viewed as agreement.

(!!!)Stereotyping those who are opposed to the group as weak, uniformed, incompetent, or stupid.

(!!!)Direct pressure to conform placed on any member who questions the group, couched in terms of "disloyalty" or “unprofessionalism”

(!!!)Self censorship of ideas that deviate from the apparent group consensus.

(!!!)Mindguards — self-appointed members who shield the group from dissenting information.

Learn.

Professing to be Professionally Unprofessional

2008-02-11T18:12:00.000-08:00

Today, a little birdie told me (I get most of my correspondence by trained pigeons – protects anonymity and such nonsense) that there have been concerns over the “professionalism” of today’s ad-hoc AUS notion regarding Elections Administrator of the AMS. I won’t delve deeply into the reasons and justifications for this admonishment, but it does irritate me to no end the ironic hypocrisy involved in this reaction. Do you want to know what’s unprofessional? Do you want to know what is conduct unbefitting of elected and/or paid personnel in positions of power?

How about not reading the continuity reports of your predecessors, thinking you will do just peachy at an immensely important job, only to fuck up so royally that anyone who is even mildly informed on campus gets the uncontrollable urge to projectile vomit when they hear you talk? Of course, if a photo of your drunken disendorsed ass passed out on the couch makes circulation, that, my friends is “unprofessional”. And when your voter turnout is low, and everyone thinks the elections are a joke, how do you promote a tight and exciting VP Admin race? You put up a dozen poster! Pink ones! You know, it may have worked for V-Day, but you know what else they had? Vaginas. Oh, and also, competence, a good work ethic, and a passion for what they do. Foreign concepts to our EA, I know.

And you know what else might be considered unprofessional? Not firing the aforementioned steaming barrel of incompetence at the first sign of trouble and letting him fuck up the paper ballot and subsequently take the AMS’s credibility and wiping his ass with it. What’s also a little unprofessional is not replying to your emails for two weeks and then informing the public of the Oversight Committee sent from above to punish the wicked the save the righteous. What good is your committee if the will come up with either two of equally undesirable outcomes: either the EA keeps their job, or a new EA will be assigned so close to the upcoming referendum, they will have no time to unfuck the situation before it’s too late. Although, I’m sure we all prefer the latter, since a mildly handicapped organ-grinder monkey can do better than the former. And if that vote is screwed up, it won’t even be a Clusterfuck. No one will be laughing then, just terrified of the few years to come that will be spent at cleaning up this dungpile. I bet Michael Duncan is not at all pleased.

You want unprofessional? Try sending a minion to a constituency council so they can report back on any “irregularities” and “transgression” that may not be to your liking, so you whine and bitch about your “feelings” and “sensitivities” while everyone tries to pull the rod out of the ass of the rod that’s up your ass. That’s real professionalism – trying to quell any dissent from anyone who won’t sit idly on their hands and watch the biggest slate on campus, the AMS Exec, do their thing. You want to be taken seriously? Well then don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s a council of differing opinions, not the caucus of the Soviet Communist Party. Learn to do what’s for the good of the people and maybe you won’t look like little kids trying to play politics.